I Know What You Did Last Winter

     I have been straining to resist the knee-jerk New Year reflection montage that I assume everybody does this time of year. Not because I have any regrets about the past year- quite the opposite if anything, but because it's a pretty artificial frame of reference. What I mean by that is external markers have far less significance than the guideposts and high-water marks you yourself establish. Were I to succumb to the calendar referencing, I'd be tempted to think myself amazing for the distance I've figuratively traveled and set up camp right here until discomfort forced another shift in my life or consciousness.
     Last year at this time, the house I rented(paid rent to a roommate, anyway, turns out they were squatters) along with six other tweakers was emptied out by the sheriff's department, most of the useless crap we'd hoarded or "created" finally making it's way to the dump. I made my way back to the park I'd lived in previously, a haven for homeless drug addicts, whores, and other human refuse. After my husband got out of jail, I lived in the furnace of a train engine there in the park, shooting up speed and looking for recyclables until the ridiculousness of it all sank in. So yes, sure, I'm a world away from where I was then. I have come far. And yet...
     There is far to go, and no true destination. My natural, instinctual self would be content to say, "I have come so far, it is done." and start in on stagnant mode. But I can't stand still, or anyway I won't. I'm hiding out at my grandfather's senior studio with my husband, sleeping on a broken recliner. We still look forward to some unknown future date when we will have our own place, enabling, hopefully, shared custody or at least visitation of my stepson. So, obviously, much has to change, and change it will. But in it's own time. Anxious foot-tapping won't help, but it's difficult not to hover over this planted hope, worried over when it will bear fruit. I aim to find some middle ground of acceptance of the now while moving forward at as brisk a pace as opportunity allows.
     Happy with what growth I've managed? Certainly. But chomping at the bit to gain further hold on some autonomy.